Category Archives: lohan history

on this day in lohan history

Davis Hilton

Eight years ago, on this day in Lohan history, all anyone wanted to talk about was the instantly infamous video that had emerged the day before* of a billionaire oil heir unleashing a lengthy, foul-mouthed tirade about Lindsay Lohan and her private parts for the amusement of Paris Hilton as they walked from one Los Angeles nightclub to another. This shocking video came after word of a Hilton/Lohan feud had hit the rumor mill a few days earlier, but were quickly doused by Paris’ PR rep Elliot Mintz.

Davis, Hilton, Mintz

Let’s talk about Elliot Mintz for a minute. This little weirdo seems to have been an ambitious 1960s LA radio DJ-turned publicist who went from associations with John Lennon and Bob Dylan in the 1970s, to representing 2000s-era show-biz flotsam and jetsam like Chris Brown and the aforementioned Paris Hilton. Even though the only source I have on this is poor at best, my gut reaction tells me that Lennon’s association with Mintz has been exaggerated. In the tepid tell-all that Fred Seaman wrote following Lennon’s death, he claimed that Mintz was a friend of Yoko’s whose company Lennon more tolerated than enjoyed. Anyway, Elliot Mintz’s odyssey through 6 decades of American show business has got to be fascinating. This New York Times profile written a few months after the firecrotch incident is far too short to encompass that, but it’s all we have for now.

Getting back to the video in question, a day after Elliot Mintz denied the rumors of a Lohan/Hilton feud, Paris was filmed manically false-cackling while her friend and fellow super-rich adult Brandon Davis made many an eyebrow-raising claim about Lindsay Lohan. His rant began as follows:

Lindsay Lohan has the stinkiest, fucking sweaty, orange vagina anyone has ever seen. I haven’t seen it. She wants me to see it but it shits out freckles, it’s orange and it fucking smells like diarrhea, so fuck off. And who would want to fuck her? Who? Wilmer? Is Wilmer in, like, a mariachi band? And she’s got a firecrotch that all you guys want to suck because you’re fucking desperate.

At this point our cameraman loses Davis for a second as other photogs and cameramen get between him and the Hiltons (Paris’ more camera shy sister Nicky is present as well). One of those cameramen seems to get gently hit by a car in his zeal to capture the scene. As this occurs, Davis briefly turns his attention to the car’s driver and says, “Fuck you, you dirty whore.” And then returns to Lohan:

It’s an embarrassing thing to say but Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch.

After this pearl, Davis and the Hiltons and their crew all disappear into some nightspot. When they emerge from the club, now with Elliot Mintz in the mix, Davis, drawing heavily from a cigarette, picks up where he left off:

Ok, Lindsay Lohan, would you fuck her? Would you fuck her? Just tell me the truth. Her dad‘s hotter than her, alright. We think she’s a firecrotch. Or we know. I mean, we don’t think that, we know, it’s obvious. Red pubic hair comes from inside her. She’s like an orange freak.

At this point something incredible happens as Davis — who has clearly been drinking and there might have been some coke — begins to sort of bully Elliot Mintz by grabbing at his tie and spouting off some unintelligible bullshit about how the red tie looks like Lindsay’s vagina, to which Mintz responds by simply putting his tie back into place and gently reprimanding with a “Brandon, please.” While nearly every extra in this grand production warrants a second glance and causes one to wonder “what’s that guy’s story?”, Mintz really takes the cake as far as sticking out like a sore thumb goes. How did that guy end up there?

The scene ends with Davis dripping in sweat in the passenger seat of Paris’ car with the paparazzi still egging him on. He obliges them by saying “firecrotch” 3 more times and reveling in the fact that Lohan’s latest film didn’t trouble the box office much.

It was a pretty sour affair that would have gone largely unnoticed had TMZ‘s cameras not been there to capture the forced mirth of these entitled dimwits and bring it to the attention of anyone who was bored at work and sitting in front of a computer.

Lindsay March 18 2006

Lindsay never officially rebutted Davis’ claims so there may still be some question as to whether or not her vagina shits out freckles. We’ll never know. But Linds did make a point to hang out with both Davis’ ex-girlfriend and Paris’ ex-boyfriend in the days that followed. Finally, ten days later, Davis issued an apology to Page Six of the New York Post, “My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable. What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week.”

*I’m a day late in posting this, as usual.

schrader directs

Schrader directs

Paul Schrader directs Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons. 2013.

on this day in lohan history

On this day in Lohan History, the reviews were in for Lindsay’s stint as the hostess of the 2006 World Music Awards! She didn’t fare too well. But before we get to that, for those of you who don’t bother to keep track of awards shows that fall on the more pointless end of the spectrum, The World Music Awards award pop music sales, were co-founded by Prince Albert II of Monaco and—at least for their first 15 years—seemed to mostly exist to bring world class pop (sales) talent to Monaco so that they can be presented trophies in front of Monaco’s Royalty. It’s an expensive party thrown by the very rich and glamourous to award the very (commercially) successful and glamourous. The type of award show that guarantees any invited musical act that turns up won’t leave home empty handed.

The 2006 ceremony was held in London. Lindsay’s hosting duties were minimal—all she had to do was introduce the presenters (a head-scratching who’s who of who was popular and/or available at the time including Pamela Anderson, Natalie Imbruglia, Donatella Versace, Nicole Richie and Denise Richards) and performers (a mixed bag of talent from around the world including Andrea Bocelli, Beyoncé, Enya, someone called Katie Melua, Nelly Furtado, Tokio Hotel, and Rihanna). The awards were handed out on the 15th of November, and the world woke up the following day—6 years ago today!—stunned to discover that the crowd assembled for the show repeatedly booed Lindsay as she flubbed her lines and called for retakes. She abandoned her hosting duties altogether before the show was over after supposedly taking a fall down a flight of stairs while exiting the stage.

When it came to being booed, Lindsay, whose attempt at a singing career at the time wasn’t the distant memory that it is now, found herself in good company. Also on hand that evening was Michael Jackson, the fallen King of Pop, who was to accept an award for the sales of a record that he had released 24 years earlier. The audience expected Michael to perform that album’s title track but turned on him when he left the stage after singing only a few lines of We Are the World which could barely be heard over the song’s original recording which was playing loudly on a loop throughout his time on stage. He was of course surrounded by children for the duration of his appearance. This whole messy affair was of course sweetened before it aired on television. And Lindsay managed to recover from her injuries and hit a few parties before the night was over.

on this day in lohan history

It was the above headline that offered relief to many On This Day in Lohan History. It had been a hard few days for Lohan watchers in late November 2006 marked by sleepless nights and general confusion that began on November 27th when video surfaced of Lindsay making the following shocking claim about friend and fellow superstar Paris Hilton:

“I’m saying this on tape. She hit me for no reason, apparently, at my friend’s house. I didn’t know she would be there and she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me. It hurts and it’s not OK. I’m sorry for everyone who thinks I’m crazy but I’m just trying to act.”

Apparently there had been a falling out between the two friends that began when Paris started spending time with permanently horny pop singer Britney Spears who had filed for divorce from her husband and the father of her two children, Kevin Federline, on November 7. Before Lindsay issued her impromptu statement to whatever paparazzi were congregated at whatever hotel she had been staying at, she was seen leaving the party while yelling “cokehead” in Hilton’s general direction!

When reached for comment, Paris’s seemingly embalmed rep, played down the situation saying, “I believe that a drink was thrown at Britney and Paris. I believe that harsh words were exchanged. But in recent days and recent weeks you will notice that Lindsay has said some very disturbing and very unpleasant things about Paris. Some of those words I would not repeat. I’m sure she’s a better person and a better actress. This kind of ranting against Paris has to stop. Paris does not insult anybody. Paris does not call people names. She doesn’t make false accusations.” Regarding whether or not Paris hit Lindsay he had this to say, “It’s not true. At no time did Paris ever throw anything at Lindsay. At no time did Paris ever hit her, assault her, touch her or make any physical contact with her. This is really troubling and very disturbing. It’s a very serious accusation when you say somebody hit them.”

Apparently everyone’s publicists realized that this is the sort of controversy that should be capitalized on quickly and as sensationally as possible and the following day Lindsay was photographed with both Britney and Paris! Either that or the power of true friendship prevailed. The trio even squeezed into Paris’s car to make the most of the photo op. Before driving off that night, Linds made the following zombie-like statement to whatever paparazzi were gathered outside of whatever club the three were partying at, “Paris never hit me. She’s my friend. Everyone lies about everything… please leave us alone. We’re friends…She’s a good girl. She’s a nice person. Please stop trying to make us hate each other.” Because that is what everyone had been spending all of their time doing, making Paris hate Lindsay and Lindsay hate Paris.

In February of the following year, Britney and Paris again were photographed out and about together. Unfortunately Lindsay missed the opportunity to make it onto the cover of a national news weekly because she was in the middle of a stay in rehab.

on this day in lohan history

On this day in Lohan history*, Lindsay reaped the rich rewards of having hooked up with three seemingly random dudes within a 24 hour period a week earlier. On January 6, 2008, The Daily Mail printed an exclusive tell-all interview with one of those gentlemen. The joke was on The Mail though as it turned out that their interview subject not only wasn’t much of a storyteller but also didn’t have much of a story to tell. Just another night for Linds.

The trouble began when Lindsay—between rehab stays and movies—was invited to receive some sort of honor at the Capri Film Festival. Needless to say Lindsay used this as an excuse to fall off the wagon that she was probably never actually on in grand style and—at least according to The Daily Mail—once in Italy, Lindsay wasted no time before drunkenly mixing with the local menfolk. Her first victim, and also the party who spilled the beans to the media, was a Alessandro Di Nunzio who The Mail lists variously as a waiter, former model and a “drummer in Italian rock band”. He seems slightly dense and in his interview he comes off mystified by the ways of the world in a manner not unlike Phil Hartman’s Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Di Nunzio met our Linds on a hydrofoil (!) traveling from Naples to Capri. I’ll let him take over the telling here, “She just kept staring at me. It was unnerving and and I went back inside”. Later, as the excitable Di Nunzio’s luck would have it, both he and Lindsay ended up in the same bar. “I spotted her in a bar with two friends and she beckoned me to come over. She introduced herself as Lindsay. And it was only at the end of our conversation I suddenly clicked I was talking to Lindsay Lohan. I almost collapsed”. This young man—ridiculously handsome by the way—is used to being the aggressor during courtship and was shocked by how forward Lindsay was toward him after she dragged him to dinner. It was later at a dance club when she moved in for the kill thusly (and note how everything seems to happen to this slow-witted waiter without warning), “All of a sudden, she pressed up close, looked me in the eyes and asked if she could kiss me. It was a strange role-reversal and it took me aback.”

It wasn’t long before Lindsay and Al ended up back in her hotel room where the already shaken Di Nunzio was in for the shock of his life. “We did nothing but kiss in the club. I never imagined in my wildest dreams we would end up in bed. We spent a long time talking, lying side by side on top of her bed”. Di Nunzio may be the type to sell his boring sex story to a sleazy tabloid but he likes to get to know a girl before he gets down to business. “She told me about her problems with drugs and alcohol. She said she was trying to get over them and that she’d spent time in a rehab clinic. The thing that struck me most was her intelligence. I found her very lucid and bright.” Finally Lindsay had enough conversation and “suddenly” undressed in front of him and things got hot and heavy. When they were through Di Nunzio was shown the door but not before some sort of date was arranged for later in the week.

A commitment never honored as Lindsay quickly found herself entangled with fellow film fest attendee Eduardo Costa, who The Daily Mail refer to as an “older actor” but I can find no evidence online that this man exists aside from mentions of his brief connection Lohan. The third guy who Lindsay hooked up with was Dario Faiella, “the son of Italian music legend Peppino Di Capri”, who is pictured above being dry humped by Lindsay and below the morning after.

But enough about them, the spotlight should be on Alessandro Di Nunzio. How did the poor thing react to finding out that he wasn’t the only partner that Lindsay took that day? “I was hurt and a little sad when I found out about the other guys”. One can assume that Lindsay didn’t give it much of a second though as she returned to Los Angeles a few days later with her hair a different shade than it was when she departed. A situation The Daily Mail described in bizarre and oddly old-fashioned terms, “She arrived back in Los Angeles this week looking weary after her exploits. But, her passionate encounters have clearly inspired a return to her natural red-head locks as she stepped off the plane looking the scarlet woman”.

*this should be yesterday in Lohan history because I’m a day late.

on this day in lohan history

On this day in 2008 in Lohan history it was reported by the showbiz news program Inside Edition that the by then thrice rehabbed Lindsay was caught on surveillance camera fixing herself a vodak and red bull behind the bar of the Washington, D.C. club Lotus. The fact that Lindsay was drinking again was more or less assumed by all interested parties as was the other supposed revelation of the video, that Lindsay was more than just friends with her longtime rumored girlfriend Samantha Ronson. The tape showed the two acting borderline affectionate with one another.

This bombshell of a news story came a week after Access Hollywood aired an interview with Lindsay that found her describing the recently elected Barack Obama as “colored”.

on this day in lohan history

On this day in 2006 in Lohan history, Lindsay, overcome with grief following the previous day’s news of Robert Altman’s death, released—surprisingly to USA Today and not US Weekly—a bizarre and lenghty rant that expressed her sorrow in a wonderfully unique way. Her message has improved with age:

“I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

I feel as if I’ve just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman’s wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I’ve had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference.

He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

So every day when you wake up.

Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.

The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

Life comes once, doesn’t ‘keep coming back’ and we all take such advantage of what we have.

When we shouldn’t…..

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves’ (12st book) -everytime there’s a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I’m one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I’m just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,

‘BE ADEQUITE’

Lindsay Lohan”

Altman and Linds

That is certainly the most lovely use of the word “hafta” that I’ve ever read in a blackberry dispatched eulogy/motivational speech. The gossip media were predictably critical of Linds’s words and for some reason it took her spokesperson nearly two weeks to address the minor splash that they caused: “She was devastated, she was crying… here was a girl who found something special in this man that she felt so close to, and she was completely shocked and blown away that he had just died. It was written very quickly and from the heart.”

Devastated and crying. Understandable, then. On February 20, 2007, a memorial service was held for Altman in New York. Attendees included Lily Tomlin, Harry Belafonte, Julianne Moore, Kevin Kline and Tim Robbins—all of whom presumably considered the cranky director to be the closest thing to both a father and a grandfather that they really did have in the past several years. Lindsay, however, was not in attendence. It was later reported that she had spent the day of the memorial service in LA partying with Jackass “star” Steve-O.