Category Archives: everyone lies about everything

on this day in lohan history

Davis Hilton

Eight years ago, on this day in Lohan history, all anyone wanted to talk about was the instantly infamous video that had emerged the day before* of a billionaire oil heir unleashing a lengthy, foul-mouthed tirade about Lindsay Lohan and her private parts for the amusement of Paris Hilton as they walked from one Los Angeles nightclub to another. This shocking video came after word of a Hilton/Lohan feud had hit the rumor mill a few days earlier, but were quickly doused by Paris’ PR rep Elliot Mintz.

Davis, Hilton, Mintz

Let’s talk about Elliot Mintz for a minute. This little weirdo seems to have been an ambitious 1960s LA radio DJ-turned publicist who went from associations with John Lennon and Bob Dylan in the 1970s, to representing 2000s-era show-biz flotsam and jetsam like Chris Brown and the aforementioned Paris Hilton. Even though the only source I have on this is poor at best, my gut reaction tells me that Lennon’s association with Mintz has been exaggerated. In the tepid tell-all that Fred Seaman wrote following Lennon’s death, he claimed that Mintz was a friend of Yoko’s whose company Lennon more tolerated than enjoyed. Anyway, Elliot Mintz’s odyssey through 6 decades of American show business has got to be fascinating. This New York Times profile written a few months after the firecrotch incident is far too short to encompass that, but it’s all we have for now.

Getting back to the video in question, a day after Elliot Mintz denied the rumors of a Lohan/Hilton feud, Paris was filmed manically false-cackling while her friend and fellow super-rich adult Brandon Davis made many an eyebrow-raising claim about Lindsay Lohan. His rant began as follows:

Lindsay Lohan has the stinkiest, fucking sweaty, orange vagina anyone has ever seen. I haven’t seen it. She wants me to see it but it shits out freckles, it’s orange and it fucking smells like diarrhea, so fuck off. And who would want to fuck her? Who? Wilmer? Is Wilmer in, like, a mariachi band? And she’s got a firecrotch that all you guys want to suck because you’re fucking desperate.

At this point our cameraman loses Davis for a second as other photogs and cameramen get between him and the Hiltons (Paris’ more camera shy sister Nicky is present as well). One of those cameramen seems to get gently hit by a car in his zeal to capture the scene. As this occurs, Davis briefly turns his attention to the car’s driver and says, “Fuck you, you dirty whore.” And then returns to Lohan:

It’s an embarrassing thing to say but Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch.

After this pearl, Davis and the Hiltons and their crew all disappear into some nightspot. When they emerge from the club, now with Elliot Mintz in the mix, Davis, drawing heavily from a cigarette, picks up where he left off:

Ok, Lindsay Lohan, would you fuck her? Would you fuck her? Just tell me the truth. Her dad‘s hotter than her, alright. We think she’s a firecrotch. Or we know. I mean, we don’t think that, we know, it’s obvious. Red pubic hair comes from inside her. She’s like an orange freak.

At this point something incredible happens as Davis — who has clearly been drinking and there might have been some coke — begins to sort of bully Elliot Mintz by grabbing at his tie and spouting off some unintelligible bullshit about how the red tie looks like Lindsay’s vagina, to which Mintz responds by simply putting his tie back into place and gently reprimanding with a “Brandon, please.” While nearly every extra in this grand production warrants a second glance and causes one to wonder “what’s that guy’s story?”, Mintz really takes the cake as far as sticking out like a sore thumb goes. How did that guy end up there?

The scene ends with Davis dripping in sweat in the passenger seat of Paris’ car with the paparazzi still egging him on. He obliges them by saying “firecrotch” 3 more times and reveling in the fact that Lohan’s latest film didn’t trouble the box office much.

It was a pretty sour affair that would have gone largely unnoticed had TMZ‘s cameras not been there to capture the forced mirth of these entitled dimwits and bring it to the attention of anyone who was bored at work and sitting in front of a computer.

Lindsay March 18 2006

Lindsay never officially rebutted Davis’ claims so there may still be some question as to whether or not her vagina shits out freckles. We’ll never know. But Linds did make a point to hang out with both Davis’ ex-girlfriend and Paris’ ex-boyfriend in the days that followed. Finally, ten days later, Davis issued an apology to Page Six of the New York Post, “My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable. What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week.”

*I’m a day late in posting this, as usual.

way back

Thomas R Lombard—at left—the first man to see commercial opportunity in the motion picture machine he had discovered in Edison’s laboratory —Pictured here in the office of the World’s Fair exhibit of the Edison phonograph in 1893, awaiting the Kinetoscopes which never arrived.

on this day in lohan history

It was the above headline that offered relief to many On This Day in Lohan History. It had been a hard few days for Lohan watchers in late November 2006 marked by sleepless nights and general confusion that began on November 27th when video surfaced of Lindsay making the following shocking claim about friend and fellow superstar Paris Hilton:

“I’m saying this on tape. She hit me for no reason, apparently, at my friend’s house. I didn’t know she would be there and she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me. It hurts and it’s not OK. I’m sorry for everyone who thinks I’m crazy but I’m just trying to act.”

Apparently there had been a falling out between the two friends that began when Paris started spending time with permanently horny pop singer Britney Spears who had filed for divorce from her husband and the father of her two children, Kevin Federline, on November 7. Before Lindsay issued her impromptu statement to whatever paparazzi were congregated at whatever hotel she had been staying at, she was seen leaving the party while yelling “cokehead” in Hilton’s general direction!

When reached for comment, Paris’s seemingly embalmed rep, played down the situation saying, “I believe that a drink was thrown at Britney and Paris. I believe that harsh words were exchanged. But in recent days and recent weeks you will notice that Lindsay has said some very disturbing and very unpleasant things about Paris. Some of those words I would not repeat. I’m sure she’s a better person and a better actress. This kind of ranting against Paris has to stop. Paris does not insult anybody. Paris does not call people names. She doesn’t make false accusations.” Regarding whether or not Paris hit Lindsay he had this to say, “It’s not true. At no time did Paris ever throw anything at Lindsay. At no time did Paris ever hit her, assault her, touch her or make any physical contact with her. This is really troubling and very disturbing. It’s a very serious accusation when you say somebody hit them.”

Apparently everyone’s publicists realized that this is the sort of controversy that should be capitalized on quickly and as sensationally as possible and the following day Lindsay was photographed with both Britney and Paris! Either that or the power of true friendship prevailed. The trio even squeezed into Paris’s car to make the most of the photo op. Before driving off that night, Linds made the following zombie-like statement to whatever paparazzi were gathered outside of whatever club the three were partying at, “Paris never hit me. She’s my friend. Everyone lies about everything… please leave us alone. We’re friends…She’s a good girl. She’s a nice person. Please stop trying to make us hate each other.” Because that is what everyone had been spending all of their time doing, making Paris hate Lindsay and Lindsay hate Paris.

In February of the following year, Britney and Paris again were photographed out and about together. Unfortunately Lindsay missed the opportunity to make it onto the cover of a national news weekly because she was in the middle of a stay in rehab.