Ideally, I would like to do one of these Lohan posts more often than I do but that is easier said than done for two reasons: 1. There are, believe it or not, occasional long stretches where nothing or next to nothing has occurred on this day in Lohan History; and 2. Sometimes, when it comes to Lohan History, when it rains, it pours and when it comes to times like that, you might as well just read “back issues” of dlisted (or your gossip blog of choice) your damn self.
For some time now, it’s been a when-it-rains-it-pours situation because roughly two years ago this month was when Linds got serious about going off the rails. 2007 was the year in which Lohan’s road to ruin reached its fever pitch. In January, after what seemed like years of drink and drug rumors, she checked herself into the first of what would become many (well, more than most people have) stays in rehabilitation centers. In May 2007, Lindsay ran her car off the road. When police arrived, they found that she had a little bit of cocaine in her car. I’m referring to the incident pictured below, of course. This led to Linds’ second stay in a rehab facility where she remained for forty-five days. If I recall correctly, she spent most of these days on the facility’s outdoor smoking area so the paparazzi could manage to get shots of her.
Later, she told reporters that this rehab stay was the best decision she had ever made: “It changed my life. I didn’t have a good grip on it and I needed to get my shit together. I was going out too much.” She also revealed that she had spent part of her stay reading Machiavelli’s “The Prince.” She said, “I was going out with someone and they said I should read Machiavelli and I was like, ‘Nah’, and then I was, ‘Ok, I’ll read it’, and now it is always with me.” Lindsay’s telling of the events leading up to her decision to read “The Prince” had me on the edge of my seat and I’m sure sales of the book skyrocketed after this revelation.
All of this set the stage for what is arguably the pinnacle of Lindsay’s days as a tabloid fixture (I’m not saying that she still isn’t one, but her antics have gotten positively boring in recent years). On July 13, 2007, Linds completed her rehab stay issuing this statement:
“On Friday, Lindsay Lohan successfully completed her 45 days of residential and extended care treatment at Promises. She has transitioned to an intensive outpatient program, which includes attendance at daily AA meetings, outpatient therapy and daily testing. On her own, she has also made the decision in support of her sobriety to wear an alcohol monitoring bracelet. In part she is wearing the bracelet so there are no questions about her sobriety if she chooses to go dancing or dining in a place where alcohol is served.”
So that should have been that but less than two days later, Linds was partying it up at Pure in Las Vegas with the lovely lady pictured below.
When news of this hit, it cost her her role in something called Poor Things, she was replaced by Brittany Murphy and the film, without Lindsay’s star power to get it an ABC Family opening, is still sitting on the shelf. While all of this was developing, a new scandal was a-brewing involving a hacked computer and nude photos. These photos never materialized but when questioned about them Lindsay’s spokesperson remarked that “Anything is possible.” At this point, it seems as though even her people had just thrown up their arms and walked away.
By the seventeenth of July, with photos of Lindsay partying emerging day after day, the rumor mill began grumbling what everyone had already assumed: that that alcohol monitoring braclet was a fake. This story caused Lindsay’s rep, hopefully the same one who said “Anything is possible,” to muster this defense, “It’s not court-ordered, it’s a pain in the ass, it’s heavy and it’s not fashionable — and we all know Lindsay is extremely fashionable. She doesn’t have to drink when she goes to clubs — she can hang out with friends, and she loves to dance.”
Next, the gossip industry was claiming that she had swapped booze for ecstasy. Remember ecstasy? I assumed that that stuff didn’t exist anymore. Then, she was supposedly mixing nitrous oxide with cough medicine to get high.
Speculation as to what exactly Lindsay was getting fucked up on came to an end on the morning of July 24, 2007, when she was arrested for DUI, driving with a suspended license and cocaine possession. Back to her usual tricks, then. The events leading up to the arrest were nothing short of pitiful. It seems as though earlier in the day, Linds had gotten into an argument with her assistant at a party. Linds then jumped into a car with the three random dudes pictured below and chased the assistant down the Pacific Coast Highway at speeds reaching one hundred miles per hour! Be careful, Lindsay! The assistant somehow escaped but Lindsay wasn’t through chasing folks so she headed down to the assistant’s mother’s house. This woman was for some reason pulling into her driveway at whatever ungodly hour Linds arrived and upon seeing this speeding car with its crazed driver, pulled out of the driveway and got into a high speed chase ending in the parking lot of a police station. When police came to investigate the commotion, Linds told them that “the black kid” was driving and then nearly fell over during a sobriety test. The evening was deftly summed up by the “black kid” in the photo below, “It was pretty much the worst night of my entire summer.”
I’m wrapping this up because I’m getting as tired writing it as you are reading it (provided you even began reading). Lindsay was released on bail by morning and issued this carefully worded statement to Access Hollywood: “I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy.” With that, Lohan was whisked off to her third stay in rehab where she remained until early October 2007 (she referred to her time in rehab as a “a sobering experience”). Within a month a deal was worked out that saw Linds pleading no contest to two DUI charges (the other charges were thrown out). She was sentenced to four days in jail (she eventually served eighty-four minutes), community service and probation.